( Intro music playing )
hey, everybody, here's bob and david !
Thank you.
Thank you very much. Good to see you.
All righty. Well, Thank you very much.
We have got a--
David, hey, david, Come on, we've got To do the show.
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.
Man, this is So wild.
I know, ok, Just bring the Tv with you.
Oh, yeah.
He's been glued to That thing all day.
Ok, i'm bob odenkirk.
David cross.
And, uh, welcome To mr. Show.
We've got a heck Of a show for You tonight--
Some funny scenes, Some funny characters.
Uh, some funny Monkey's who Have been beaten.
Uh, oh, forget I said that.
You know, blah, Blah, blah, The usual, you know.
I can't believe this.
How does he think he's Gonna get away with this ?
I don't know, It's crazy.
( Audience chuckling )
( Tv playing )
David, look.
( David ) See ? Everybody's Watching it.
Maybe we should Just show it.
That's what I'm saying.
All right, ok, Forget the show.
Uh, put it on the big Screen. We'll just Watch tv tonight.
( Intro music playing )
( Sirens wailing )
( Commentator #1 ) there it is, right there. that is the popemobile.
police are in pursuit.
( Commentator #2 ) absolutely incredible.
it is fascinating.
we can now confirm reports that the pope is in there.
No word yet On where he may Be headed.
But we do know that The pope is a suspect In the death...
( Audience laughing )
The death of bishop Francois kurtoke,
Who was found Brutally excommunicated Outside his front door
Just 2 Nights ago.
Let's look at a video now Of the crime scene-- As you can see
A lot of blood.
it's pretty gory.
police say they found a broken staff similar
to the one the pope uses.
and also a large conical hat, which police have
not yet confirmed is the pope's.
With us tonight, For some insight Into all this,
Hopefully, is pope Fan and expert, Tim mccracken. Tim ?
Hello, Ron and terry.
Hello, tim. Hi.
Now, just for Clarification For us here,
You are not a Catholic, right ?
Oh, no. Oh, god, No. No, no , no.
No, i--i'm just a pope Fan. I love popes. I love Popes. I love popes.
( Audience laughing )
All right. And you work At the pope hall of fame. Now, what is that ?
Yes, it's located In canton, ohio,
In a wing of the Football hall of fame.
Um, you know, And we have figurines And interactive displays.
Uh, you know, you can Say a novena with the pope,
You can damn A scientist to hell For all eternity,
Uh, ask questions Of any pope.
Tim, what's your Most frequently Asked question ?
"Who let you in here ?"
( Audience laughing )
I don't understand.
Oh, i thought You meant me,
The question i Always get-- oh, no,
Oh, the question the pope Always gets. Oh, ok.
Oh, all right, That's simple, um...
( Audience laughing )
That would be, um-- "Hey, what's the deal With the hat ?"
Yeah, what Is the deal With that hat ?
Nobody knows.
Well, it's very Interesting.
It started with the Loss of a bet in 1674 By pope leopold nine.
And nine was actually His last name, he was The 3rd leopold.
He loved gravy. Right, right.
Tim, we'd love To hear more, but i'm Getting a signal here.
Will you stick around Into the next hour ?
Oh, sure, should I just stay here ?
Well, you Can stay there If you want,
But we're going To be telling More news stories.
Once again, the police have Been pursuing the pope
For the past 2.5 hours.
Oh, oh, oh, I know, i know. Why Don't i sit there,
And you sit here, Where i am ?
Switch it up.
Tim, that doesn't Work for us,
For a plethora Of reasons
That i can't Go into now.
No time.
Oh, no, no, i got it. Ok, i got it.
I'll--i'll sit Back here, so You can see me.
Fine, ok, um...
We now know that The pope just made A cellular phone call
To his mother in Latvia from inside The popemobile.
And, terry, this is A breaking story, The driver
Of that popemobile Has definitely Been identified
As 4-time Olympic champion--
Hello, Ding-dong !
( Laughing )
Better idea, Here we go.
How about this ?
( Laughing ) Under the desk !
( Audience laughing )
Jesus.
Ahem. Uh, the pope, Still blessing people
From inside The popemobile--
Ok ! Wait, wait !
Now, new idea, New idea. You're Gonna love this--
Tim, goddamn it--
Honey, we're live !
( Audience laughing )
Uh, tim, i...
Tim, i'm sorry.
Very sorry.
Why don't you go wait In the expert lounge ?
( Announcer ) guest experts of this newscast
stay at the tantamount expert lounge,
located in the heart of new york city.
The terrified pope, Still fleeing willy-nilly.
Let's rejoin that chase, Already in progress.
( Sirens wailing)
( Helicopter whirring )
Dudes, this chase Is classic.
Awesome.
No, dude, It's classic.
No, dude, awesome.
Dudes, you're both Wrong, it's gore.
What ? A half Hour ago, you agreed It was classic.
Well, that was then, And this is now.
It's gore.
Classic.
What ? Now you agree It's classic ?
No, dude, him switching Over is a classic Move on his part.
This chase is Still awesome.
Fuck you !
( Electric guitar playing )
Uh, who let You in here ?
Oh, uh, i'm here For my music lesson. My name is larry.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Your mom Called ahead.
Oh, yeah, so, Sit down, man.
Show me what you Can do, you know ?
Oh, oh, i've never Played before--
Hey, no excuses. We all suck when We start.
Oh, ok. All right.
( Inharmonic strumming )
Wait, wait. Wait, wait.
( Audience laughing )
Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, dude, You're incredible.
What ?
Play, play. Keep playing.
Wait, wait. No.
Sweet jesus-marie, What are you, some kind Of a guitar god ?
I don't know, I just...
Nils, you Sound great.
It's not me, man. It's him.
Play, play !
Oh, yeah !
I don't...
That's it !
That's it, I quit.
I quit !
( Audience laughing )
I thought I was good.
I thought i Was good, then i Met you, dude.
Then i met you.
Play, play, Man, play.
Ok.
( Telephone ringing )
Ok, hold on, man.
Nil's guitar shop. Yeah.
Yeah, he's here.
Oh, that's good news. Ok, thanks. Bye.
Hey, man, stop playing. Hey, whoa ! Whoa !
Take it away From him.
Huh, what's Going on ?
Um, you know, Before you came here,
Your mother called, And she said, like,
You had only A few weeks to live,
And we should try To make you feel good,
But i guess They just got some Test results back,
And you're going To be ok, so we don't Have to do that.
Oh, cool.
W-w-wait, she Thought i was Dying ? Well...
How 'bout the show Tonight , man ?
Gonna kick the County-size ass !
We're gonna Rock a little bit.
Hey, guys, what About my lesson ?
Yeah, lesson one-- Never pick up a Guitar, ever again.
( Laughing )
Well, yeah, But i can learn--
No, you can't, You suck, and you're Wasting my time !
( Audience laughing )
( Telephone ringing )
Nil's guitar shop.
Yeah. Huh ? Yeah, he's still here.
Huh ? That is a Screw up. Hey, dude, Stop him, stop him.
Ok, thanks, bye.
Hey, larry, man, hey. Um, play guitar again.
No !
Yeah, yeah.
Just, i dunno...
Just see if It's on. I can't Tell if it's on.
Unless you... Somebody hit me.
Holy ! Whoa !
You're Incredible, man.
Oh, come on, I'm dying, right ?
No, no, no, no. That was just A joke, man,
'Cause we're totally Intimidated by you.
Yeah, Intimidated.
Yeah.
B-b-but the Phone call...
Part of the prank.
( Laughing )
Face it, dude, you got, Like, a natural tonality.
That's what I noticed.
You got an Instinctual strum.
Oh, the strum ! I always thought That'd be my strong point.
Yeah.
You were right. So this is a prank ?
So you guys Are weird ?
Freaks, yeah. Sick in the head.
( Laughing ) Oh, man, you guys Are a riot. Ok...
Play.
Oh, yeah !
Guitar god !
Waahh !
* Hey * Clapton lives,man.
( Telephone ringing )
Hold on A second.
Hello, nil's Guitar shop.
Yeah ? Huh ? You got a Chart mix up ?
An update ?
( Nil ) Oh, yeah. Ok. Oh.
Oh, no.
What's going on ? Am i going to live ?
How do i know ? I'm a guitar teacher.
What ?
Oh, oh, ah, so do You still think i'm
That great of A guitar player ?
No. Yes !
But you don't Totally suck,
So don't start Celebrating.
Oh, no.
( Audience laughing )
How good am i ?
You don't need Many lessons.
Oh, no, how many ?
A couple of month's Worth, depending On how you feel.
But there's a 20 percent Chance that you Totally suck,
And you could Practice for years And not be any good.
What ?
Oh, no.
Ok, i'll be The one.
All right, larry, Listen up, man.
This is the Truth, now.
Everything up Till now has Just been part
Of a very funny prank, All right ?
You are the greatest Guitar player
That i have Ever heard, ever.
Oh, god, why me ? What did i do ?
I don't know, man. Maybe you were Born with this.
Maybe you got it Off a toilet seat.
( Audience laughing )
Ahh !
I got to say goodbye To some people.
No, man, you don't Have time for that.
What ?
No, you have To get ready...
For the show, Tonight.
You're taking Blackie's place.
What ? What ?
Is--is this A prank ?
No, no, no. That was a prank.
That was a joke. This is real, man.
But, all-- Joke's over ?
Dead. Totally.
Really ?
You're great.
I-i'm playing with You guys tonight ?
Yeah !
I guess i'm just Gifted or something.
Yeah, a Little bit.
Guitar god !
So i'll see you at the show. Yeah, see ya.
So rock on. Rock on.
Yeah, wow !
Guitar god ! Guitar god !
Oh, man, what are We gonna do ?
Don't worry, man. He'll never make it To the show.
( Narrator ) but, of course, they were wrong.
that night, larry played for 3,000 screaming fans
who'd been individually called by his mother
and agreed to not hurt his feelings.
the next day, he confounded his doctor by not dying,
however, still on the brink of death,
he expressed a wish to attend harvard.
the university, tipped off by his mother,
was sympathetic to his condition
and awarded him a doctoral degree.
this would be his last victory, his doctor thought.
but larry surprised everyone by remaining alive.
he then told of a desire to practice medicine.
a florida hospital, after receiving a call from his mother,
was sympathetic.
Is he still alive ? Yeah ?
You know, he's the Best doctor ever...
I-in the world.
( Audience laughing )
( Narrator ) after extensive testing,
larry was diagnosed with i.D.S.,
or, imminent death syndrome.
Imminent death Syndrome, or i.D.S.,
Isn't new, But it's rare.
Uh, the victim is Literally on the Brink of death
For 80 to 100 years-- A full lifetime.
And it puts others in a...
( Interviewer ) Awkward position ?
No, uh, It puts them in a...
Spot ?
No.
It puts others in An awkward position.
You see, they want To make the victim's Final days rewarding,
But they feel Taken advantage of When no one dies.
I.D.S. Makes us All victims.
It truly Puts us all
In an awkward Position.
Oh, yeah.
Just as the Poster says.
Larry's not alone with Imminent death syndrome.
Many famous people Have had i.D.S.
Uh, well, juliette lewis, The actress, has it.
Uh, the artists, Leroy neiman and christo.
Uh, jerry lewis struggles With it every day.
These people are all Very good at what they do...
The best ever.
( Whispering ) They could go Any minute.
Uh...
Novelist, ann rice,
Uh...
Clarence thomas, uh...
Uh, stephen hawking,
A "brilliant man."
Uh, quentin tarantino--
The actor, not the director--
Uh, hootie,
And 2 of the blowfish...
Uh, the man Who draws ziggy,
The man who draws the family circus,
Many famous Cartoonists.
( Telephone ringing )
Uh, hold on.
Free horsy rides-- I mean, doctor's office.
( Audience laughing )
Yes ? Oh, ok.
Oh, uh, larry's Just passed away,
So we don't have To do this.
I'm just-- I'm gonna go Watch the trial.
What about Jeff foxworthy ?
( Intro music playing )
Good evening, Another exciting Day in court
In the trial Of the millennium.
In a dramatic moment, The now infamous Bloody ring
With the papal Insignia on it
Was removed from Its protective bag.
( Terry ) the pope attempted to wear the ring,
but was only able
to slip it on about halfway.
( Ron ) certainly not far enough to wear comfortably
while murdering someone, i shouldn't think.
The jury also heard From papal staff Manufacturer,
Derrick hummries. Here's a highlight.
( Microphone blurring ) yes, that's one of our deluxe models.
um, it's called the "papal-lite."
uh, but we make 2 or 3 every year so it's hard to pinpoint exactly
where they all end up.
Well, besides the Pope, who else do you Sell staffs to ?
uh...
just siegfried and roy.
( Audience laughing )
Devastating testimony For the prosecution.
It would seem so, but A recent poll indicates
That 85 percent of the public Believe the pope didn't do it,
Even if he did.
Numbers don't lie.
They can't .
( Audience laughing )
Anyway, the judge Has allowed for
The sequestered jury To enjoy some Entertainment.
As you know, last week, Funnyman tom arnold
Came to their Hotel rooms and
Entertained them With his zany Vinnie barbarino impression.
( Audience laughing )
Tonight, they're slated To go to a hip, happening Coffee house,
Where a local performance Artist is said to, uh,
Do his thing.
Well, better than Thinging his do, I suppose.
( Both laughing )
You're bad, girl.
All right, uh, Let's give a big Coffee klutch welcome
To performance Artist, uh, spank.
Come on, man. Come on.
( Applauding )
And we don't Need this. Ok.
Give me your tired, your Poor, your huddled masses,
Yearning to be free to work In sweatshops for pennies
From sea to shining-with- A-topcoat-of-crude-oil sea.
Statue of liberty Rusting in a polluted harbor.
Liberty ? American liberty ? How do i spell "america" ?
A-m-e-r-i-k-k-k-a.
Chrysler k-car.
Carcinogen.
Gin and juice because You, statue of liberty, And you, america,
And you, mother goose, Are nothin' but a fuckin',
Lyin' bitch whore !
( Faint applauding )
( In baby voice ) Oh, oh. I'm sorry.
Is that a bad Word to you ?
Did i offend you ? Is that a nasty bad word ?
Let me tell you some words I think are bad--
Iran contra, whitewater, Watergate, gate-gate.
America, you shit On us every day.
You shit on us ?
Uh-uh, baby, guess what ?
I...
Shit...
On you.
Yeah !
Yeah, here it Comes, baby.
( Audience laughing )
Here comes The shit storm.
( Audience laughing )
( Grunting )
( Whispering ) Artie. Artie.
What ? Come here.
Get the blanket.
Are you Embarrassed ?
No, i'm just...
( Audience laughing )
I don't see Anything. Are you... ?
Did you eat ? Yeah.
I had the--the chili. The, uh...
The black-bean chili, Like you said.
Yeah, yeah, well You gotta have fiber, Too, you know.
I had that newton.
Fig newton ?
All right, Get outta here.
All right, all right. Ok, bitch,
( Audience laughing )
All right, all right, You asked for it now.
Ok, you piss On us, huh ?
No...
I piss...
On you !
( Audience laughing )
Let it rain !
( Audience laughing )
Ahh.
( Audience laughing )
Here it comes !
The golden piss...
Of my people !
Did you drink Something ?
You gotta have Caffeine, man.
All right, all right. All right.
I'll get some Next time, you know.
Some coffee-- Get outta here !
All right, Ok, lady,
All right, that's all You wrote.
That is all for now,
Because...
This is it ! Here it comes ! Ready ? Here it is !
( Audience laughing )
( Gasping )
All right, all right, Bitch, now, get ready.
Get ready, lady.
Lady america, Open wide, bitch !
Open that bitchy Mouth of yours, 'cause...
( Grunting )
Milk, milk, Lemonade !
Round the corner, The fudge is made !
( Audience laughing )
Ye olde fudge shoppe-- Open for business
And fudging on you !
( Audience laughing )
Goddamn it,
I can't shit !
This is wrong.
How can you people
Just sit there and Watch this injustice ?
I will not rest until This flag is shat upon !
( Audience laughing )
( In irish accent ) In the name of my father,
and in the name of truth,
i will fight on !
Objection your honor, He's using an irish accent
To evoke sympathy.
Sustained.
Mr. Spank, just use Your normal strident Tone, please.
Yes.
I'm a taxpayer, Who makes a living-- A good living--
Shitting on things--
Money, Religious icons, What have you.
But my rights have Been trampled upon,
And that flag Is the cause,
And it should be Put in jail !
( Crowd murmuring )
Order !
Your honor,
I call to the stand
A leading flag expert.
All right, I need a flag expert.
And i need an expert On donkey basketball.
All right, and I need a hooker.
I mean, i need an Expert on hookers.
Good, that's gonna Do it, thank you.
Sir ?
Hi, um...
Have you Got anything For me today ?
Sorry, kid. All full up.
Please, please.
I can be an expert On anything.
Just give me A chance. I--
I work hard. My family is Very hungry.
I'm very hungry.
( Sighing )
Well...
Can you handle "10 ways to Please your man" ?
Come on.
* well
* the expert truck's a-comin' *
* comin' to your town
* the expert truck's a-comin' *
* comin' to your town
* well the e-truck keeps a-rollin' *
* movin' them experts up and down *
All right, Here's the flag.
Flag expert, Let's go.
Atta boy. Next stop.
Movin' out. Bye-bye.
You know What i mean ?
I knew it when I was 13 years old.
That's when i knew, You know, i mean...
I mean it has Nothing to do With--with...
Greatness.
Oh.
( Crowd murmuring )
Ha, ha.
Here we go. Hi.
Hello. Hello.
( Clearing throat )
Well, in my Expert opinion,
Mr. Spank was Rendered constipated
By the combination Of colors in the flag.
Ha, ha, so...
You're saying the flag Was the cause--
Because, as in, before, As in, forefathers.
Ha, ha. Not my Fathers, man.
No-ho-ho !
Mr. Spank, could you Say that in the form Of a question, please ?
Yes.
Sir, would you please Tell the court Your theory ?
Well, if you'll all take The magic pills i've provided,
I will show you My theory.
( Audience laughing )
( Psychedelic music playing )
( Audience laughing )
The chair recognizes Thomas jefferson.
What About me ?
Fuck you, Gwinnet !
Who let you In here ?
Ahem, gentlemen, About this Flag business--
A nation is Its flag.
( All chattering )
And i will not stand by While some group
Of ye olde Performance artists
Defecates upon it.
( All chattering )
Ideas ?
( Clearing throat )
Mr. Franklin...
Can't we just Put the flag Up on a pole,
Where no one Could get to it ?
Lunacy ! How would We ever get it down ?
( Audience laughing )
Oh !
Uh, let's make it Against the law
For human beings To touch the flag.
How would we Carry it around ?
Well, all flags Will be transported By monkeys.
Monkeys don't shit On anything.
Visit the zoo, gwinnet.
Oh, no. What if we Have only one flag,
And it's locked In a safe ?
What if people make Counterfeit copies of The flag and desecrated those ?
Wh--that--
( Audience laughing )
That's simple, we don't Tell anyone what It looks like.
Oh.
I like that.
( All chattering )
Gentlemen !
What a collection Of assholes !
( Audience laughing )
All right, listen.
Everyone go home And think about this. Come up with something.
We meet back here In one week.
( All ) Ooo-oh.
Founding fathers-a ! Founding fathers-o !
Founding fathers, Founding fathers, Go, go, go !
Wonderful. Dogpile on gwinnet !
( All screaming )
( Audience laughing )
( Narrator ) one week later...
There, that's done.
Now...
Let us hear what Everyone has come Come up with.
Mr. Lincoln...
Oh, me, Pretty please. I--
All right.
Button gwinnet From georgia.
I made this flag.
( Audience laughing )
It worked great. People shit all over it.
You idiot !
The opposite is what We want, my dear button.
( Audience laughing )
What smells ?
Ah, ho-ho.
My perfect flag.
It's made of shit.
( All groaning and coughing )
Gentlemen, who Would shit on a Flag made of shit ?
It would be an Empty gesture.
Hey, put your poo box Away, all right ?
Gentlemen, i've done Careful studies...
And produced this.
It mixes the colors Red, white and blue
In such a combination That a signal is sent
To the brain, Cutting off all lower G.I. Functions.
( Audience laughing )
My goodness, lincoln, Will it work ?
Just try it.
( Audience laughing )
Gentlemen, there you sit, Broken hearted.
All right, lincoln, You've made your point.
( Groaning )
It works.
You're a genius.
But tell me, Why the 50 stars ?
Each star represents A playmate that i've Slept with.
( Audience laughing )
Anyway, this design makes It virtually impossible
For a performance artist To desecrate the flag
In any such manner.
So that's how they Chose the colors,
Because lincoln helped.
Um, so do i Get the job ?
No. No, you don't Get the job.
How old are you ?
17.
No.
27.
No, no.
33.
Why do you want This job ?
Because it's easy.
You don't have to Know anything About history.
Yes, you do.
You have to know Everything about history.
Ok.
Well...
Good-bye.
( Audience laughing )
Cool.
( Telephone ringing )
Museum of history, Can i--
Yes ?
He just left.
What ?
His mother ?
Imminent death Syndrome ?
Hang on a second. Hey, guy.
Whoa, hold up. Hey, whoa.
What ?
( Telephone ringing )
Museum of history, Can i help you ?
No, you can't bring A class of students Down here.
This is a museum, Not a baby-sitting place.
( Audience laughing )
New exhibits ?
Ok, well,
We've got some Pens and pencils,
And, uh... A telephone,
And, uh, an Information sign,
And a television set.
we leave you now with that gruesome footage
of a double murder caught on tape in los angeles.
( Choking )
Cool.
Oh, man, classic.
Awesome. Look at that.
That is so classic !